Talking about incels

Hello, readers! How are you all? Doing well, I hope! 

I have been doing well enough, though a bit ashamed of the fact that I haven’t been posting nearly as often as I had planned to. Let’s pretend I’m acting according to plan, shall we? 

I have been thinking a lot about incels lately, and it was a theme I was planning on approaching way, way sooner than now, but things happened, life got in the way, and I’m just now sitting down to write about this right at this moment. Which is kind of a bummer, but, on the bright side, it has given me more time to think about incels from a different perspective.

Before I get started, I guess I’ll add a few disclaimers: first of all, I’m not, and have never been, an incel. My current state of celibate is as voluntary as it can be. I sometimes joke I was born to be a spinster. I just don’t have the patience or drive to hold on to a relationship. Second disclaimer is that I’m not justifying or defending despicable acts committed by anyone, incels included. 

For starters, for those who don’t know, the term incel comes from “involuntary celibate”. Basically, it’s about people (of either gender) who cannot find a sexual or romantic partner. 

The term has become very popular lately, basically because people who fit into this group have been doing terrible things as a way to make society pay for their failure to find a partner. And, of course, I cannot condone that. I don’t condone violence in any way, shape or form.

What I want to talk about today is about the two pillars, in my opinion, that make an incel a dangerous person.

The first pillar, in my opinion, is a sense of entitlement. Those people seem to think they have the ‘right’ to have a partner – preferably their chosen one, but, at some point, any will do. They believe they have a right to sexual and romantic interaction, and, when they can’t get it, they react with anger and hostility towards those who have denied them of that perceived right – mostly women.

The second pillar, again in my opinion, is how much value we as a society put on relationships and sex. It seems like it’s a requirement, almost a demand, that people must have a romantic relationship. And, when they don’t, they are treated as misfits and losers. I remember that, as a teenager who loved to be home and read, one of my aunts would come to my mother to tell her about how she should force me to go out, because I’d become, actual quote, a ‘crazy spinster’. Ooops, I think auntie had a point. 

But seriously, I do feel those are the two pillars supporting incel violence. While I’m sure wanting a romantic partner and not finding one is not fun (haven’t we all been there at some point?), I believe it would be way less harmful if we as a society did not put so much weigh on relationships to the point of defining one’s value based on whether or not they can find one.

Well… I guess that’s all I had to say for now. Just a little bit of rambling about a social theme I’m interested in at the moment.

I’d love to hear from you all now. What do you think is behind this phenomenon? Do you have any experiences to share? A theme you’d like to suggest for a future post? Share it with me in the comments!

Thanks for dropping by, and see you all on the next post!

10 thoughts on “Talking about incels”

  1. I think relationships are more logically needed than sex. Not being alone, having someone to mutually care for each other, to support each other, is natural, because humans are social beings. Feelings fulfill a part of life.

    Sex is overrated and paid too much attention in the whole society. Who’s shagging whom is way too important when it shouldn’t. Also it shouldn’t be shamed to be a virgin. It’s honourable being one!

    I agree with what you said about the two pillars who contribute to people doing awful things. But I think they are not enough, by their own. They are corroborrated with other social problems and frustrations (poverty, social exclusion, etc.) in order to escalate to bad things.

    I mean, in the past, many second/ third children of the (very) numerous families were sent to monasteries at ages when they weren’t asked. It was considered that having an offspring/ sibling in a monastical order, to pray for your family’s sins, was the thing to do. Besides, they didn’t need inheritance/ dowry (as the first born son inherited anyway), so it was a carreer like any other… It wasn’t chosen by the youngster out of vocation, but by the parents, when the child was rather young. THey grew up celibate, not for their own choice, but they didn’t blow out anything…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I definitely agree – to an extent. I’m personally a loner, but I know that’s not what the majority is, and I respect the fact that most people feel the need to have this connection.

      And I agree, sex is definitely overrated, and I feel this is the difference between choosing celibate nowadays (or having it imposed by life’s circumstances) and choosing it in the past. Nowadays, the virgin (especially man) is treated as a loser who doesn’t have any value because ‘he can’t even get a woman to sleep with’. For someone who already resents having no sexual/romantic partner, coupled with possible low self-esteem and/or mental health issues, it may cause them to snap (not defending or justifying their actions, they’re still despicable).

      And yes, people in the past did grow up celibate not by choice, but they weren’t marked as losers for that. They were seen as doing something important. Nowadays, I feel that if we can’t be civil, we might want to simply learn to leave people alone to make their own choices and not attach someone’s personal value on whether or not they’re having sex. So many other things to base someone’s importance on, such as them being a good person and not harming others.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Well said! I hate that everyone places an emphasis on sexual activity when other kinds of intimacy in a relationship are more important. Sex is such a minor part of a relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yup. We have tons of relationships with people every day that don’t involve sex – family, good friends, coworkers, what have you, and all of those are meaningful and some of them are very close, but apparently none of that matters if (general) you aren’t having sex. It feels really weird to put so much weight on one single part of the relationship and disregard everything else.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t think male incels even want a relationship, I was friends with one (emphasis on was) and they want sex, not necessarily a relationship. You’ll know because they keep dropping it into conversations. I recently had a user on Twitter who tried to pursue me as a “friend” and I told him I was kind of talking to someone else and that didn’t work out and I didn’t reply to his messages. His first reaction was to be hostile towards me, try to make me feel sorry for him “I’m used to it” and then asked me if I got the “d.” 🤦‍♀️ We don’t have that relationship for him to be making jokes about it, but you’ll see the word sex littered around… it’s not a relationship they want, it’s sex and their ego stroked.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It does make sense. It really sucks, because sex isn’t exactly a rare commodity? Of course, the person has to put in the minimum effort to not be an unpleasant jerk and have basic personal hygiene, but seriously. I sometimes feel that they don’t put in the effort because if they do and they don’t get it anyway, they’ll have to look inside and wonder what about them is so unappealing as people. Of course, with their attitude shifting between entitled behavior and victim attitude, well… no wonder nobody wants to have sex with them.

      I fully agree about the ego stroked. If they wanted sex, they’d pursue it, but I feel they think they’re so great nothing less than women pursing them will do.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It isn’t a rare commodity, but like you said they want that assurance that they could get it if they tried and without having to dial for help… they don’t know how to be decent, so they put on “ain’t I decent?” mask, but because it’s not genuine, we can easily tell that they’re being fake and plus, they’re not funny and humour is a must, but they’re so focused on presenting themselves as a “nice guy” that they forget that sometimes confidence stems from self-assurance. I think in a way, we really need to educate young people through the education system on how to be respectful and the importance of treating women with respect… and I guess really, the importance of loving our own selves in a healthy manner.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Preach. I do feel that we have s long way to go in terms of teaching people to be self reliant. To love and respect themselves so that they can love and respect others.

          But I think it should be started at home and carried on at school and society at large.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Yes, but it’s not always possible in a home environment, not everyone is blessed with loving and attentive parents even though it should be every child’s right to parental love. Where this fails, educational figures should redress this.

            Liked by 2 people

            1. Oh, definitely. I was thinking more about those parents who can teach their children but feel that it’s not their job because they pay for the system to teach them. I’ve worked in the educational system, so I’ve seen the ‘I pay you to educate my children’ used as ‘I pay you to raise my children’ more times than I’d have liked to see it happen. x.x

              Liked by 2 people

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