Discussing the BDSM lifestyle

Hello, my pretties! How are you all? Doing well, I hope!

I wasn’t really going to post anything more this year, but a conversation with a dear friend sparked the idea, and here we go. 

Before I start, a disclaimer: I am, as I stated previously on this post, not particularly sexual of a person. But I’m actually interested in different forms of sexual relationships, and, even if I wasn’t, I’m not down for kink shaming or any kind of shaming people who aren’t harming anyone on this blog. Okay? Okay, let us move on.

About the conversation. Well, despite the fact that I seem to be a closed-off loner, I actually like talking to everyone about everything. Just ask me to talk about whatever, and, unless I have zero clue what you’re talking about, chances are I will want to talk to you about it. That was pretty much how this conversation with my friend started.

This friend had recently come into contact with the 50 shades of Grey movie, and, as it was to be expected, he was pretty horrified. Since I was the only person he knew with a general interest in the subject, he came to me, and we had a conversation about the movie (I haven’t read the book at all) and how things work regarding the BDSM lifestyle.

After our conversation, it hit me that he was not the first person to have question. He’s probably not going to be the last, so I decided I’d talk just a bit about it here. Please bear in mind that my knowledge is very limited. I’m not hardcore into the lifestyle. I’m more someone who finds the idea of being a submissive fun, but, outside scenes, I lead a perfectly vanilla life.

With that out of the way, this is what I need to share:

First of all, the core words are: safe, sane and consensual. What does this mean? 

Safe: Unless the dominant knows their partner is in distress just by looking at them, a safe word is extremely important. A safe word that is not something people would say in the midst of the situation, so there is no confusion.

Sane: Everyone involved must be of sound mind and able to freely consent.

Consensual: Well, that’s obvious. They must be able to consent and provide active consent regarding the situation.

Another thing that seemed to be cause of concern for him was the contract. In the movie, Grey simply presents a contract with a series of rules for Anastasia (I hope I’ve got her name right) to sign. No discussion. He made all of the choices. So, that’s not accurate as well.

First of all, there’s not necessarily a written contract (though I happen to like the idea). There is always a verbal contract, though, and that is something both partners have a say on. An example using myself as a subject would be not having blindfolds involved. I tend to freak out completely when blindfolded and lose all notion of time and space. I don’t know why, but it’s obvious that it wouldn’t put me in a sensual mood – quite the contrary. Being tied up is something we’d have to build up to. And it’s a great moment to set the safe word.

Another question a lot of people have is how the safe word works. It’s basically a “get out of jail free card”. The moment the submissive uses it, the scene stops. No negotiating or asking if you really need to stop. Yes, you do. A dominant that can’t respect a safe word should not be trusted.

Yet another question my dear friend had was whether or not I had ever allowed spanking and such, and whether or not I have ever had a dominant. The answers are yes and yes. I do allow spanking (hand only, I don’t like being hit with objects), and I have been fortunate enough to have an amazing dominant for a while. We had an excellent relationship, and he took very good care of me while we were a pair. So I might have become a spoiled brat as far as that goes. ;) 

Let me see… oh, yes, one last question he had.

He wanted to know whether or not people live the lifestyle all the time. The answer for that, as for a lot of things, is: some do, some don’t. I personally find it healthy to separate things. I like having my regular lifestyle out in public, and only switch to the submissive role when I’m alone with my partner. Others like living the life 100% of the time. As with everything, as long as everyone involved is consenting, it’s all good.

I guess that’s all. Basically, I just wanted to dispel some concerns from people who are outside looking in. Please understand that these relationships are consensual and not abusive (note: I’m not saying there are not abusive dominants – there are bad people everywhere. I’m just saying these relationships are not inherently abusive).

If you have concerns for someone in your life, talk to them. Ask questions. Watch out for the red flags of an abusive relationship, and, if they are there, ask your loved one to reconsider this situation. I would say trust your gut, but don’t jump to conclusions. 

Okay, now I’m done with this conversation. I really just wanted to put some minds at ease, that’s all. Like I said before, I’m no expert, just someone who finds the lifestyle intriguing and even fun if everyone involved is safe.

Do you all have any questions, or want to correct me on something? The comment section below is all yours! See you all on the next post! (This time really next year!)

Love you all!

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