When you lose someone you didn’t love

Hello, my pretties! How are you all doing? Well, I hope!

I’m doing as well as one can be during this current situation, and I’m back here to share a little reflection with you all!

My father’s mother (I hesitate to call her my grandmother) passed away a week ago. It was a surprise, even though I knew she was sick. I think we never expect anyone to actually die, no matter how much we know the person is sick and it’s only a matter of time. Other than the surprise, though, I didn’t really feel much. I felt bad for my father and his siblings, and the other grandchildren who had a much closer relationship with her.

My brother and I were always kind of pushed aside because she didn’t like my mother. That alone always made me wary and uncomfortable around her. Even the attempted gestures of affection felt fake. I remember the day when she basically said “not you” when she called all of the grandkids to come sit near her. At that point, I mentally disowned her. What else could I do?

During the next years, I was forced into a relationship with her, because I was a minor and none of my parents would take no for an answer. My visits happened like this: I’d come in, greet everyone, grandma would sometimes leave her room for seconds, say hello and go back into her room. I’d sit on the couch chatting with my grandpa (he was actually nice to me and I loved hearing his stories from his years as a police office in the 50s) for a couple hours, and then hear her complain that I was going home so soon.

The last straw was definitely when she tried to give me an aspirin after I had told her I couldn’t have it (I’m allergic) and she tried to insist I was making it up. I was about 13, and I had enough after that. I still went through the motions, but whatever love was there just faded out at this point. After I moved out of my home town and to where I live now, I went no contact. It just felt easier then, because I couldn’t be forced to visit or call anymore.

When she passed, I will have to admit I felt… nothing. I didn’t feel like I had lost a grandmother, because I didn’t have one in her. But I wonder what that makes me. Am I evil? Heartless? Cold? I don’t know. It’s hard to figure out. It’s not flattering to admit that I felt relief, not grief.

Oh, well. If you want to share your thoughts, please do! I’m open to anything!

See you on the next post!

Short Sunday post – Brazilian AMA

Hello, my pretties! How are you all doing? Well, I hope!

I’m doing alright, though it’s been a very, very long week, so I thought I’d make a short post and open up the comments for questions.

A lot of my readers (all of you?) are from countries other than Brazil, so I thought I’d leave this post open for questions you all might have! Feel free to ask any questions – cultural customs, population, food, History, language, etc. If you do want to talk politics, please understand I’m less political than most people, but I will answer your questions to the best of my ability!

As for when this AMA will go on the blog, probably next Sunday! Feel free to comment here (best choice) or send me your questions via email, Instagram, Twitter (dms), Discord, or any other form of communication you choose!

See you all on the next post!

A small step forward

Hello, my pretties! How are you all doing? I hope you’re doing well and staying safe!

I’m alive, and still COVID-free, which is not that surprising as I work from home and haven’t really gone out other than to stock up on groceries once or twice a month.

I’m still tired, and stressed, and, I have to admit, I did break down a little earlier this week, as everything at work feels way too heavy, way more than I can do being piled up on me.

Yesterday, after trying to talk to my boss several times and getting nowhere, I finally lost my shit. I threw caution to the wind and just told him I can’t take it anywhere, and that something needs to be taken off my plate. Despite my stress, I had a plan of action, and proposed it to my boss. He did agree, which doesn’t make my life easy, but it does make it easier and a little bit less stressful.

I’m still considering quitting, because it should never have to reach a point where one of your employees is breaking to do something about it, but that gives me a little more time to breathe, think and plan.

In the meanwhile, I’m trying to keep the blogs updated, and doing a little side gig teaching English conversation. It’s some extra work on my plate, not much money, but preparing lesson plans and teaching has been a lot of fun and a welcome break from the kind of work I do.

What about you all? What have you been doing? Anything new? I’d love to read about it in the comments!

See you on the next post!

February 1st, 2021 – Small life update

Atualizar Texto De Letras Em Fundo Preto
Photo by Anna Tazarevich on Pexels

Hello, my pretties! Are you all alive and healthy? I sure hope so! I am… well, alive. And COVID-free so far – thank God (or insert your deity of choice here)!

I have been dropping so many balls lately I’ll eventually slip on one of them and fall, but hey – life’s hectic right now, so I’ll do what I can and try not to worry too much.

With all that babbling out of the way, I just came here to share some life updates, because why not? Without further ado, here we go.

1- I’m obviously back to WordPress, because I’m too lazy to keep posting on two different blogs in the same language;

2- Despite eating like an elephant, I’m keeping my exercise routine and slowly losing weight;

3- I’m eating a lot less meat lately, but fish is still a staple at home. And broccoli. And lentils – I love lentils;

4- Carnaval has been canceled due to the virus, so there will be no break this year. Bummer;

5- I’m considering compiling a huge list of the things I like from A to Z and just doing one mega post. But I still need to get past I… or O… I forget.

I guess that’s pretty much it… what is happening in your lives? Share it with me in the comments! As a wise man says, a dialogue is better than a monologue. ;)

See you on the next post!

Things I like from A to Z – Blogging

Hello, my pretties! How are you all? Doing well, I hope! (Yes, I’m here again. No, I can’t make up my mind on things. Ever)

Well, I’m here to carry on with my Things I like from A to Z series, currently featuring a grand total of one post. I’m also here to… be here, get used to the block editor and stop being such a perfectionist. Will I succeed? Who knows?

Well, my failure to make a decision apart, let us move on to the subject matter, shall we?

I think it’s a surprise to exactly no one that the thing I like starting with a B is blogging. I have been doing it for almost twenty years, starting in 2002, after all. At first, it was something I did mostly lazily. My job at the time left me some serious downtime, and I needed a project to keep me busy during such time. Somehow, I learned about blogs and started working on one.

Friends, it was bad. Really, really bad. The theme was this purple/aqua monstrosity with some flowers, if I recall correctly (thank God it no longer exists!). And the content was so cringe-worthy. A virtual diary for a character who, looking back now, was very whiny and immature at first. I do have to admit she matured a lot as her story developed and I started interacting with other blogs, but oof. Those first couple months were rough.

Around the same time, I started a personal blog. Also very cringy, I’m sure, though it was a lot of fun. It was something like this one, mostly. I’d just start a new post and write whatever was in my mind that day. I really wish I still had that kind of enthusiasm, but oh well… time has passed.

Blogging is still a source of joy for me, though. It allows me to vent, to clear my head, to share something, and it has made me quite some good friends or acquaintances. With the state of the world, I have been going back and forth, wondering whether or not I should stop blogging, but I know I just can’t. No matter how much I try to stop, I just like it too much.

What about you? How long have you been blogging? What do you love about it? How’s your blogging journey going at the moment? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

See you on the next post!

Things I like from A to Z – Avocados

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Hello there! How are you? How’s 2021 treating you so far? Well, I hope!

Kicking off with the first non Happy New Year! post in 2021, I thought I’d bring in some positivity to the blog… and give myself an easy way to write content at the same time. Win-win!

How am I going to do that? By choosing a lazy theme for a series, of course! 😁

And what better theme than things I like? It gives me easy content, it gives you the opportunity to know more about me (I’m sure you’re thrilled), and it keeps things positive for as long as there are letters in the alphabet!

For letter A, I chose avocados. Why? Well, because I like them! I’ve loved them since childhood, and I have a little story to tell.

Back when I was little (about when dinosaurs roamed the Earth), my family had a little house near the coast, where we spent weekends or vacations. Right in front of said house, there was a big avocado tree. I, being the restless little thing I was, spent a lot of time climbing that tree, hanging from a branch (the house was on top of a hill, it would have been a nasty fall, but I never took it) or perched on a sturdy one. 

And, of course, having the tree there, we picked avocados when they were ripe and eat them for breakfast. 

Now, from what I’ve seen it, people in the US use it for salty dishes. Here in Brazil, we either mash them and eat them with sugar (a favorite of mine) or use it to make a very thick and very delicious smoothie. I have tried guacamole a while ago, but I still prefer avocados in the ways I mentioned above, sorry. Please don’t stop loving me. 

Alright, I think I have rambled enough. Do you like avocados? Hate ’em? Indifferent? And how do you like them? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

See you on the next!

The end of a very weird year…

Hey there! Here I am again, letting myself ramble on a little.

2020 is finally ending. This was a weird year, to say the very least. It feels somewhat like a “lost year”, so to speak, with everything that happened.

I wonder what 2021 will bring… while looking back at 2020.

There weren’t many highlights this year, but this is what changed:

In January, I finally managed to sell my old apartment and repay my dad for the amount he loaned me to buy my current one;

In March, my state went on lock down. I remember the 9th being the last day I left the house without the shadow of the virus looming so heavily over us, and on the 17th, everything closed down. My job also put us all on vacation for a week, and then working part time for three months.

In June, my brother decided to accuse me of “trying to kill our parents” because I went to their house for lunch. I hadn’t been out of the house since March, but in his mind, I was going to catch COVID and give it to them. Things between us have been shaken ever since.

In July, we went back to work with normal hours. I have to admit working 4 hours day was really good, even with the reduced income. I got to rest and do a lot of other things with the remaining hours.

In September, my now girlfriend asked me if I wanted to become official. I obviously said yes.

In October, my parents completed 42 years of marriage. We had a little celebration at home with takeout for dinner, and they got a special breakfast delivered, so it did get marked.

In November, I turned 38. Ooof, I know, old. My boss talked about closing off the company I work for and moving everyone to his new company. I don’t know how I feel about that.

In December, my girlfriend turned 33 (I forgot her birthday, but she forgave me and I made sure I won’t forget next year), I managed to get my parents a little something for Christmas on time and my brother contacted me, after going whining to my mother that I had blocked him. I had not, by the way. Things are still a little weird. My uncle caught COVID, but he’s doing better and at home. I haven’t caught, and I’m waiting for us to get a vaccine here in Brazil as soon as we can.

And that’s pretty much where we are now… it’s almost 8 PM and I’m counting the time until this year ends. There’s still a lot to do and a lot of problems to solve come 2021. But we’ll get there!

What are your hopes for the upcoming year? Do you have a retrospective post? I’d love to read it!

Happy new year, and see you on the next!

About my new blog – pros and cons

Hello, my pretties! How are you all doing? Well, I hope!

First of all, Merry Christmas and happy holidays! If you don’t celebrate anything, like I don’t, happy end of year break!

With greetings out of the way, here we go. As those of you who read here often know, I’ve finally given up the battle against the dreaded block editor, and gone back to blogging on Blogspot. I won’t delete this blog, and I may drop by every now and then and post a little something, but my new blogging home is the address below:

https://livingabiteveryday.blogspot.com/

And now, the pros and cons of the change, because it’s important that I give as unbiased a report as possible.

Pros:

I already knew the workings, since my first blog had been on Blogspot, more years ago than I can (or want to) admit.

It’s easy to write – just start a new post, type your stuff, format and publish. No need to bother with blocks.

I can use a wide variety of themes for free, including making changes to the html code myself should I choose to.

If I choose to get the premium version, it’s a lot cheaper than WordPress. A lot as in, I can pay for 5 years of Blogspot premium with what WordPress (not even full premium) would cost me.

I like it better – that’s a big pro for me.

Cons:

Honestly, I don’t see many cons right now, since I gave up on trying with the block editor. I’d say the only ones I found were the two below:

Blogspot doesn’t have a ‘like’ button such as WordPress does.

I’ll have to start building up a readership and contact with other bloggers from scratch.

Well, I guess that’s all I have to say right now! I really hope I’ll see you there, but I’ll still be around here, liking and commenting on your blogs!

See you all soon!

Why I haven’t been posting much

Hello, my pretties! How are you all doing? Well, I hope! I also hope things aren’t too bad in your corner of the world and you’re staying safe!

As for me, I’m staying safe, if a bit stir-crazy from being home so much, especially now that there was an uptick in cases and we’re going on strict lockdown again.

But that’s not what I’m here for. I’m pretty sure everyone is sick of hearing about the pandemic already – no pun intended.

I’m here to basically talk about why I haven’t been posting as often as I used to.

It’s nothing new that I really don’t get along with the block editor. I have been trying, for real, but… I just don’t like it. It’s more time consuming than I’m willing to endure. Having to create each block, justify each block (I’m a bit of a neat freak this way) and all that jazz, instead of just writing whatever I have to say and moving on, ends up draining my patience and messing with my flow when I’m trying to write.

So, I’m tentatively writing on Blogger/Blogspot again, for a while. I know I’ll have to start again from scratch, but everything in life comes with a price tag.

We’ll see how this works out. I won’t delete this blog, though, and I’ll still be around and visiting everyone’s blogs!

See you around!

How untreated mental illness ruins relationships

Trigger warning: Mental illness, verbal abuse.

Hello, my pretties! How are you all doing? Well, I hope!

I know I haven’t been around much, but I’m trying not to completely abandon the blog, I promise. I won’t be posting as often as I once did, I guess, but I’ll still drop by here whenever I feel like I have something to say.

Today I come to talk a bit more about mental health, which is a theme that’s near and dear to my heart, mostly because I suffer with poor mental health myself.

I was thinking about someone who is not in my life anymore, Mike (name changed for privacy).

Mike was my boyfriend for a few years. He was a friend of a friend (like 99% of my significant others), and, when we met, he seemed nice enough. I fell for him really quickly, as you do. I’m a bit better about it, but I used to be very quick to fall for anyone who could strike my fancy. At first, he wanted to be just friends. It hurt, but I accepted it, and we carried on as friends until, at some point, he decided he wanted more than that. We started dating, and, at some point down the line, he was spending a lot of time in my apartment, more than at home. I didn’t mind, at first.

Now, Mike suffered from depression and anxiety, and I knew that before he started mostly living with me. What I did not know was that I was signing up for a living hell. At first, life was okay. But then he started acting very paranoid and weird. Losing his ever-loving mind every time I went out without him, which happened at least once a week, as I liked going to the store after work, and that happened before he came home from work. Sometimes, I’d meet a relative at the mall attached to the store and let him know we’d stop for a cup of coffee. At first, he was fine with it, but as time went by, he started demanding pictures to prove I was with the person I said I was with.

And then, when I got home, all hell broke loose. Coming home 10 minutes later because I had gotten stuck in traffic turned into me cheating on him and my relative covering up for me. Me not wanting him to read my emails also turned into me talking to other men. Me forgetting to get something he wanted but hadn’t put on the list from the store turned into me doing it to spite him. And it all turned into screaming matches, tears and rants about how I was just as bad as his ex, blah blah blah. It was nerve-wracking, but I swallowed my tears and words. Until I learned that he was stopping his meds cold turkey every now and then for some reason (a part of me thinks he did it to punish me, for… something, but I don’t think I’ll ever know).

I have to admit I was pissed. Knowing he was making this decision to make my life a living hell really got to me. I have no idea how I refrained myself enough to simply pack his stuff when he was at work, put everything at the entrance hall and change my locks. Because I have to admit what I wanted to do was much less calm than that.

After he calmed down, he tried to contact me several times, going on about how he missed me. How he knew he was being abusive, but he was in therapy and much better now. When that gave him nothing, he started using mutual friends to relay messages, and they started becoming aggressive again. Sadly, I had to cut contact with some friends as well, because I couldn’t trust them not to keep telling me about his life and vice-versa.

Moral of this story? I’m not saying you have to take meds, that’s between you and your care provider. But whatever treatment you’re involved in, please, for your sake and for the sake of those you love, don’t just interrupt it, especially to ‘show them’, or what have you.

Well, that is it for today. I really hope this post hasn’t upset, offended or triggered anyone. Please take good care of yourselves! See you all on the next post!